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Ground Control Shuns Major Tom

Posted on Sat Feb 15th, 2020 @ 1:49pm by Captain Abigail Laurens

Ground Control Shuns Major Tom

In a startling turn of events, Ground Control has opted to cut the tether and leave Major Tom floating in his tin can, in a most peculiar way after a startling outpouring of retributional satire became public.

When approached for the interview, Lieutenant Dan seemed to be struggling to come to terms with the news. “This wasn’t supposed to happen,” he sobbed into his ice cream. “Not to me! I’m Lieutenant Dan!”

When questioned over the provable falsehoods published by Outpost 42 News ( https://www.outpost42news.com/ ), Lieutenant Dan immediately leapt to the defence of his co-publisher and sometimes friend Major Tom by vehemently declaring; “We never published any proveable falsehoods! We were simply providing ‘Alternative Facts’!”

“Tell the truth, work hard and come to dinner on time, they are the only facts one needs,” responded long term simming advocate Gerald R Ford. “The simming dream does not come to those who fall asleep.”

Speaking out in defence of Major Tom and Outpost 42 news, John F Kennedy offered his own opinions on the matter. “Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.” He ended by offering his own words of advice to Lieutenant Dan. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”

In a rare and somewhat surprising display of frustration, Winston Churchill spoke out in defence of those who had been wronged. “Simming is not a game, but serious business! But, as I’ve always said, if you want to have the final say in an argument, just tell your opponent that they’re right,” he iterated before dropping the mic and walking away.

Despite initially being unavailable for comment, we awoke this morning to find a communication from Major Tom himself. “If an individual wants to be a leader and isn’t controversial, that means he never stood for anything. In the immortal words of my friend and mentor, Tricky Dicky, ‘I can take it. The tougher it gets, the cooler I get’.”

 

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